Parenthood is the proving ground for adulthood. It is a difficult time when your childhood habits of being at the center of attention get moved to a place where through love you begin to desire to put your child at the center. You sacrifice your own desires, your time, your money and efforts and find the joy of stewarding the growth and desires of another being. Some people cannot handle this. They are unable to release their childhood connections and these are the folks who are "regretting" becoming a parent.
It is not surprising, considering the fatherless homes many have experienced. The lack of limits set in single mother homes has bred a population that has difficulty with any denial of their own personal needs. What is truly shocking and surprising, as Hannah points out, is that therapists are encouraging this and not helping people see their need for growth.
The most empowering sentence I ever heard when sleep deprived working a long shift, a senior colleague pulled me aside and said " you will never regret having children". She didn't say it was always rosy or that she would half my workload. And that was the most empowering sentence ever. So I think this regret messaging is just the opposite and will steal parent's of their resilience and make it harder. Maybe it is a form of tall puppy syndrome where you keep everyone weak so that no one sees you haven't grown. I am still grateful to my colleague that she built me up to high standards.
That is exactly right, I’m happy to hear that. I am frequently shocked at what my peers tell newlyweds. I like to tell them: now you’re going to a 3 Michelin star restaurant only ordering salads. Every day you have salad and it’s a really great salad, maybe the best in the world. Having kids is like suddenly ordering the steak.
I must protest against your disdain. Personally, I am very pleased to see them spread this message and reduce the number of selfish, narcissistic parents who have children as a status symbol and treat them like furniture.
Hopefully, these types of people will jump on the 'childlessness is cool' bandwagon and no more of their ilk shall be made flesh.
I have heard the argument about the narcissistic parents many times, and it's still something that isn't as prevalent as the argument suggests. On the other hand, I have had many in therapy claiming they felt decorative and unappreciated, and when we worked on that perception, taking on responsibility and gratefulness towards life and their situation, things improved considerably. Narcissism is sadly much more prevalent in millenials and Gen Z than in their parent's generation.
To the second point, there are exeptionally few, especially women, whose mental health is better off without building a family. It's very difficult to find pathways in life that provide the same feeling of meaning long-term. So working on oneself, for example decreasing the level of narcissism (if that is indeed the case) would be what I recommend rather than opting out of family alltogether. And it turns out, having kids is a great way to encourage the realization that something matters more than you do and that making sacrifices for others gives that sense of meaning and purpose. I have yet to come across a better prescription.
My husband's grandfather was an unwanted child, and although having had a terrible childhood because of it, managed to make a beautiful life with a loving family and we are all grateful for that effort generations later. This notion that being wanted should be the premise for life, is a bit strange when you look at it like that, don't you think? Because in so many cases, you would remove the opportunity for growth and change and even the incentive for it.
A third point is that, if we don't champion each other to further human kind, what in the world are we even doing here? Aren't we obligated to have faith in the future and to do our damndest for the next generation? Including making the changes within us to become decent parents to them. Sure, some aren't made for it, but we miss 100% of the chances we don't take.
I feel your view is too optimistic about human nature.
In my experience, a person who genuinely wants to improve themselves is rare. Much more common are those who pay the concept lip service while they actually do the opposite.
I know of countless people who routinely hurt those around them, and routinely break their promises to change.
And my experience is consistent with the statistics, which show mental illness and domestic violence at epidemic levels.
Nobody should be having a child in order to fix or save their relationship.
And nobody should be having a child in order to fix or save themselves.
It's delusional, all that will happen is another poor child will suffer at the hands of lunatics.
What they want is to make someone else responsible for rescuing them from their problems.
And when they fail to live up to their expectations, they become bitter and resentful of the wasted investment.
They don't want to have to do any work to save themselves, but that's exactly what is needed.
Anyone genuinely committed to self improvement will do it with or without children.
On the other hand, the people who raise children because they want to share their wisdom with future generations and create a better tomorrow will not care at all about this woman's message of regret and lost time.
But I do acknowledge that this is part of a broader depopulation agenda. They are trying to scare young women into having children later when they are less fertile.
Rathee than continuously fight endless waves of social engineering propaganda, the solution is to gather sane, like-minded people and collectively move away from the rest of society to develop something better elsewhere.
Excellent message!
Parenthood is the proving ground for adulthood. It is a difficult time when your childhood habits of being at the center of attention get moved to a place where through love you begin to desire to put your child at the center. You sacrifice your own desires, your time, your money and efforts and find the joy of stewarding the growth and desires of another being. Some people cannot handle this. They are unable to release their childhood connections and these are the folks who are "regretting" becoming a parent.
It is not surprising, considering the fatherless homes many have experienced. The lack of limits set in single mother homes has bred a population that has difficulty with any denial of their own personal needs. What is truly shocking and surprising, as Hannah points out, is that therapists are encouraging this and not helping people see their need for growth.
And so it goes.
Exactly right, Tom. It's also the collective way in which we are starting to view the concept of children that I find disturbing.
The most empowering sentence I ever heard when sleep deprived working a long shift, a senior colleague pulled me aside and said " you will never regret having children". She didn't say it was always rosy or that she would half my workload. And that was the most empowering sentence ever. So I think this regret messaging is just the opposite and will steal parent's of their resilience and make it harder. Maybe it is a form of tall puppy syndrome where you keep everyone weak so that no one sees you haven't grown. I am still grateful to my colleague that she built me up to high standards.
That is exactly right, I’m happy to hear that. I am frequently shocked at what my peers tell newlyweds. I like to tell them: now you’re going to a 3 Michelin star restaurant only ordering salads. Every day you have salad and it’s a really great salad, maybe the best in the world. Having kids is like suddenly ordering the steak.
Thank you for an interesting video.
I must protest against your disdain. Personally, I am very pleased to see them spread this message and reduce the number of selfish, narcissistic parents who have children as a status symbol and treat them like furniture.
Hopefully, these types of people will jump on the 'childlessness is cool' bandwagon and no more of their ilk shall be made flesh.
Hi Mara!
Thank you for watching.
I have heard the argument about the narcissistic parents many times, and it's still something that isn't as prevalent as the argument suggests. On the other hand, I have had many in therapy claiming they felt decorative and unappreciated, and when we worked on that perception, taking on responsibility and gratefulness towards life and their situation, things improved considerably. Narcissism is sadly much more prevalent in millenials and Gen Z than in their parent's generation.
To the second point, there are exeptionally few, especially women, whose mental health is better off without building a family. It's very difficult to find pathways in life that provide the same feeling of meaning long-term. So working on oneself, for example decreasing the level of narcissism (if that is indeed the case) would be what I recommend rather than opting out of family alltogether. And it turns out, having kids is a great way to encourage the realization that something matters more than you do and that making sacrifices for others gives that sense of meaning and purpose. I have yet to come across a better prescription.
My husband's grandfather was an unwanted child, and although having had a terrible childhood because of it, managed to make a beautiful life with a loving family and we are all grateful for that effort generations later. This notion that being wanted should be the premise for life, is a bit strange when you look at it like that, don't you think? Because in so many cases, you would remove the opportunity for growth and change and even the incentive for it.
A third point is that, if we don't champion each other to further human kind, what in the world are we even doing here? Aren't we obligated to have faith in the future and to do our damndest for the next generation? Including making the changes within us to become decent parents to them. Sure, some aren't made for it, but we miss 100% of the chances we don't take.
I feel your view is too optimistic about human nature.
In my experience, a person who genuinely wants to improve themselves is rare. Much more common are those who pay the concept lip service while they actually do the opposite.
I know of countless people who routinely hurt those around them, and routinely break their promises to change.
And my experience is consistent with the statistics, which show mental illness and domestic violence at epidemic levels.
Nobody should be having a child in order to fix or save their relationship.
And nobody should be having a child in order to fix or save themselves.
It's delusional, all that will happen is another poor child will suffer at the hands of lunatics.
What they want is to make someone else responsible for rescuing them from their problems.
And when they fail to live up to their expectations, they become bitter and resentful of the wasted investment.
They don't want to have to do any work to save themselves, but that's exactly what is needed.
Anyone genuinely committed to self improvement will do it with or without children.
On the other hand, the people who raise children because they want to share their wisdom with future generations and create a better tomorrow will not care at all about this woman's message of regret and lost time.
But I do acknowledge that this is part of a broader depopulation agenda. They are trying to scare young women into having children later when they are less fertile.
Rathee than continuously fight endless waves of social engineering propaganda, the solution is to gather sane, like-minded people and collectively move away from the rest of society to develop something better elsewhere.